你给我跪下呀呵呵等一下
单单纯纯
爆笑三国，水浒，西游合集（长篇笑话）
三国笑传1
声明：本文仅供茶余饭后消遣之用，作者绝无任何对罗贯中先生和众英雄不敬之意！
第一集 桃园三结义
话说天下大势，分久必和，和久必分。汉高祖统一天下几百年，就轮到分了。这时有个土匪张角自称“天公将军”，占山为王，四处打家劫舍巧取豪夺乱收保护费。他在自己的山头混也就罢了，可他竟然混到了京城，发了封EMAIL 给皇帝，声称“皇帝轮流作，明年到我家”，皇帝龙颜大怒，责令各省衙门立即征兵，准备剿灭张角。故事就从这里开始。
征兵的诏书一下，引得不少人围观。这些围观者中有个大人物，姓刘，单名一个备字，便叹道：“哎，土匪如此嚣张！”这时刘备的肩膀被人一拍，然后便听人说道：“叹个屁！俺老张从五岁起便要当兵，结果到了三十五岁还没当成。你不去报名，却在此叹气做甚！”
刘备回头一瞧，只见一黑脸壮汉，满面胡渣，赤裸上身，胸前纹着一条龙。刘备惊道：“莫不是洪星张翼德？”那人道：“正是张飞！”刘备拱手道：“久闻飞哥大名，今日一见，果然不同凡响！”正此时竟下起雨来，众人立即走散。刘备道：“飞哥，看得起的话，咱去喝两杯！”张飞应道：“OK！”两人飞奔到一家客栈里，叫过两杯酒。这时张飞身上的那条龙竟然化了开来，原来是用颜料画上去的！刘备一把抓住张飞，怒道：“说！你究竟是谁？为何假冒张飞之名？”张飞一拳打向刘备，刘备轻轻一闪便躲了过去，接着三拳两脚便把张飞打得动弹不得。刘备喝道：“到老子面前混吃混喝？”张飞求饶道：“大哥饶命！我确实叫做张飞，与洪星张飞同名，又与他有几分相似，便经常借他之名出来混饭吃，所以……”刘备道：“骗我倒罢，只是刚才这两杯酒乃是八十年正宗法国路易十六，三万多一杯，怎么算？”张飞惊道：“三……三万多？”刘备道：“你现在有两条路走，一是跟我去见条子，二是从今天起跟我赌一把，你赢了就罢，输了的话，就给我打工，包吃包住，不发薪水，时间为八十年。你看着办吧！”张飞道：“赌？赌什么？”刘备道：“帝国时代！”张飞道：“我不懂电脑，不如赌街霸吧！”刘备道：“可以！”便带张飞到了一个游戏室，找了一台街霸的机器开始决斗。张飞共投币无数竟未胜一局。张飞说道：“大哥，我心服口服，跟你混！”刘备从身上摸出一张纸放在桌上，说道：“签个字就行了！”张飞道：“我不识字！”刘备道：“那按个手印！”张飞按了手印，问道：“大哥，你是哪条道上的？”刘备收起那张纸道： “我？我是做正行的！这一带有谁不知我‘皮鞋刘’？我的摊位就在附近，走吧！”说罢刘备带张飞走出门去，到了一个鞋摊。那鞋摊老板一见刘备，笑道：“刘哥，我先走了！”刘备道：“多谢帮忙！”又转向张飞道：“你先学吆喝。跟我叫。”然后清清嗓子，喊道：“新款皮鞋！跳楼大甩卖！最后一天！”刚喊完，只见一红脸大汉走到摊前，摆了个造型，将头发一抹，说道：“这个月保护费交了吗？”刘备一惊道：“你……刚出道？”那大汉喝道：“什么意思？我关羽闯荡江湖数十年，有谁不识！”刘备道：“在这条街上有谁敢收我刘备的保护费？”说完一拳打在大汉胸前，那大汉便倒了下去。刘备大惊失色，道：“我的拳竟然如此厉害！”那大汉爬起身，跪下道：“大哥饶命！我已经十几天没吃饭了，所以才出此下策，大哥饶了我吧！”刘备哼道：“在这条街上谁不识我‘皮鞋刘’！你敢到我的头上踩点，一定是外地打工仔吧？”大汉道：“我叫关羽，从北方来的。”刘备道：“那有没有兴趣到我的公司来呢？”张飞小声问道：“大哥，你还有公司？” 刘备轻声骂道：“少废话！”关羽道：“管吃住就成。”刘备拿出一张纸道：“那你签了这份合同，就算加入我的公司了。”关羽二话不说签了合同。刘备收起合同，张飞道：“大哥，我们不如拜个把子吧！”刘备道：“OK，那先找个地方。”张飞道：“我家有个桃园，就去那里吧！”刘关二人都无意见。三人到了张飞家中，走到后院，果然桃花盛开。关羽纵声吟道：“花儿为什么这样红！”张飞从屋里拿出三根香，一一点着，一人一根拿着，都跪在地上。三人说道：“皇天在上，厚土在下，今天我三人桃园结义，有福一起享，有难一起当，同生共死，天地可鉴！”话音未落，不知从哪里冲进来一群衙役。为首的一个亮出证件，喝道：“我们是110的，接到别人的投诉，说这里有人非法集会，现在证明属实，罚款三千大洋。你们谁给？”三人四处飞散，同时叫道：“别找我！！！”
英语是Explodes purely smiles Three Kingdoms, All Men Are Brothers, west You Heji (lengthy joke) Three Kingdoms smiles passes on 1 to state: This article only supplies the spare time to while away the time using, the author does not certainly have any disrespects meaning to Mr. Luo Guanzhong and the numerous heroes! The first volume of peach garden three becomes sworn brothers The speech said the world situation, divides the long time to have with, with long to have to divide.The Chinese great-great grandfather unifies world for several hundred years, was one's turn divides.By now had the bandit flare angle to call self “God general”, occupied Shan Weiwang, plundered in all directions takes by force and deceit randomly collects the protection money.He mixes in own mountain top also, but he mixed the national capital unexpectedly, sent has sealed EMAIL to emperor, declared “emperor did in turn, next year to my family”, emperor the emperor's countenance will be angry, orders various provinces yamen immediately the conscription, prepared to exterminate the flare angle.The story starts from here. The conscription imperial edict, caused many people surround.In these surrounding has a great person, is surnamed Liu, single-character personal name prepares the character, then sighs: “Ya, the bandit is so rampant!”By now Liu Bei's shoulder by a human racket, then then listens to the human to say that,“Sighs a fart! My Lao Zhang then must become a soldier from five years old, finally arrived 35 years old not to regard as.You do not register, sighs actually in this does really!” As soon as Liu Bei turns head looks, sees only a black face good chap, Man Mianhu the dregs, naked upper body, in front of chest a grain dragon.Liu Bei startled road: “Can it be that Hong Xingzhang wing Germany?”That humanity: “Is precisely opens flies!”Liu Bei cups one hand in the other across the chest the road: “As soon as long Wen Feige the given name, today sees, really outstanding!”The this time under rain comes unexpectedly, the people disperse immediately.Liu Bei said that,“Flies the elder brother, thinks highly of the speech, we drink two cups!”Zhang Feiying road: “OK!”Two people dash to an inn in, has been called two glasses of liquors.By now opened in the diving posture that dragon has melted unexpectedly, originally was comes up with the pigment picture! Liu Bei holds opens flies, gets angry: “Said! Actually are you who? Why pretends opens flies the name?”As soon as as soon as Zhang Fei fought with the fists to Liu Bei, Liu Bei dodges gently has then hidden, then three fist two feet then hit Zhang Fei cannot move.Liu Bei shouts to clear the way: “Mixes to the father in front of eats mixes drinks?”Zhang Fei begs for mercy the road: “Eldest brother forgives! I am called truly open fly, flies of the same name with Hong Xingzhang, also has several minute similar with him, then frequently borrows him the name to come out lives hand to mouth eats, therefore ......” Liu Bei said: “Deceives me to become bankrupt, only was these two glasses of liquors was a moment ago 80 year orthodox school France Louis 16, more than a 30,000 cup, how calculated?”Zhang Feijing road: “Three ......More than 30,000?”Liu Bei said that,“You have two roads to walk now, one is sees the strip with me, two is starting today bets with me, you won, has lost the speech, worked to me, provides food wraps up, did not pay out the wage, the time is 80 years.Youlook manages!”Zhang Feidao: “Gambling? What bets?”Liu Bei said that,“Empire time!”Zhang Feidao: “I do not understand the computer, was inferior bets the street tyrant!”Liu Bei said that,“May!”Then the belt opened has flown a playroom, looked for a street tyrant's machine to start the duel.Zhang Feigong throws the coin innumerably not to win unexpectedly a game.Zhang Fei said that,“Eldest brother, I is sincerely convinced, mixes with you!”Liu Bei fishes out a paper from the body to place on the table, said: “Signed a character to be good!”Zhang Feidao: “I am not literate!”Liu Bei said that,“Then according to hand imprint!”Zhang Fei has pressed the hand imprint, asks: “Eldest brother, on which road are you?”Liu Bei receives that paper road: “I? I make the line! Area this some who don't know my `leather shoes Liu'? My stall in neighbor, walks!”Said Liu Bei brings to open flies away goes out, to a shoes booth.As soon as that shoes spread boss to see Liu Bei, says with a smile: “The Liu elder brother, I walked first!”Liu Bei said that,“Many thanks help!”Also changes Zhang Feidao: “You study first call.Calls with me.” Then the clear clear throat, shouts: “New style leather shoes! Jumps from an upper story the big markdown sale! Last day!”Just shouted, sees only a red painted-face guy to arrive in front of the booth, has suspended a modelling, as soon as wipes the hair, said: “This month protection money has handed over?”A Liu Bei startled road: “You ......Just made a debut?”That guy shouts to clear the way: “What meaning? My Guan Yu makes a living as a wandering fortune-teller the dozens of years, some who don't know!”Liu Bei said that,“Who some dares on this street to collect my Liu Bei's protection money?”As soon as said fights with the fists in front of the guy chest, that guy then but actually.Liu Bei has a big shock, road: “My fist is unexpectedly so fierce!”That guy crawls sets out, to kneel the evil ways: “Eldest brother forgives! I several days had already not eaten meal, therefore only then leaves this bad plan, eldest brother has forgiven me!”Liu Bei humph road: “Who doesn't know my `leather shoes Liu' on this street! You dare to on mine head to step on the spot, certainly is the outside areas laborer?”The guy said that,“My name am Guan Yu, comes from north.” Liu Bei said that,“Does that have the interest to come to mine company?”Opens flies asks low voice: “Eldest brother, you also have the company?” Liu Bei scolds in a soft voice: “Few idle talk!”Guan Yu said that,“The tube food and lodging becomes.” Liu Bei puts out a paper road: “Then you have signed this contract, even if joined my company.” Guan Yu has signed the contract without demur.Liu Bei receives the contract, Zhang Feidao: “Eldest brother, we were inferior does obeisance a target!”Liu Bei said that,“OK, that looks for a place first.” Zhang Feidao: “My family has a peach garden, goes to there!”Liu closes two people not to have the opinion.Three people arrived in Zhang Feijia, arrives the rear court, the peach blossom is really in full bloom.Guan Yu laughs recites: “Is the flower like this why red!”Zhang Feicong in the room puts out three fragrant, 11 ignites, human of is taking, all kneels in ground.Three people said that,“The heaven in on, the thick earth in under, my three people takes the pledge of brotherhood today, has the luck to enjoy together, has difficult to work as together, lives and dies together, the world may reflect!”The voice has not fallen, did not know crashes in group of yamen runners from where.Is head one reveals the credential, shouts to clear the way: “We are 110, receives others suit, said here some human of illegal assemblies, proves now is true, fines 3000 oceans.Anyone of you disperse in all directions, also called out: “Do not look for me!!!”
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